I’m probably going to end up deleting this post but right now I just need to get it out.
I feel like I’m living in a nightmare.
2020 has honestly been the worst year of my life and it’s only half way over. If there was a way for me to fast forward, I would.
Life Lately: Living in a Nightmare
I know that the pandemic has affected all of us in one way or another. I’m just so ready for this to be done. I’ve been really positive through it all and have used my time effectively in furthering my business but right now, I’m not sure where my state stands in terms of re-opening. We just re-opened a few places and things have gotten much worse so it’s looks like things are going to have to revert back to how it was. I have been inside for over 100 days and it has been such a lonely time. Anniversary trips and birthday celebrations were cancelled which is a bummer, but I get it. It is what it is. I’m just ready to start working, traveling and just being able to do “normal” things without having to go through a procedure.
I know we’re all feeling the effects of it but on top of that, there have been four family deaths in the past five months. It’s just one right after another and it’s been so difficult for me to deal with. This is definitely not normal at all – we hardly experience family deaths. I’ve been trying to be consistent with my posting and projects and trying to keep my mental and emotional state in a positive and healthy place and it seems like once I’m doing well, something happens to completely throw me off again. The deaths have not been easy for me to deal with.
One of them actually did a have a funeral but this was right before the lockdown. We (my immediate family) were not invited to attend and it broke my heart. Remember the toxic family members I talked about years ago? This is why. And the whole thing just boggles my mind. I can’t believe how terrible and manipulative people can be, especially when concerning something as serious as this – it’s not okay to deny people the right to say goodbye.
Another was a family member that I deeply cared about but cut myself off from when they said some pretty unforgivable things. I was devastated and it was such a difficult decision. In the end, I did call to forgive them and let them know that I loved them. I wish that things had turned out differently but at the same time, I can’t control other people’s actions or feelings. Being estranged from someone makes it difficult to move on but in a way, I feel like I grieved a long time ago for this person. Still, it didn’t make it any easier. The whole situation was just dreadful.
The most recent was just a few days ago and my heart is just broken. I was very, very close to this person for a long time. I have so many great memories. But when I cut off the previous relative, I also had to cut this one off as well. To be honest, it wasn’t really my choice but unfortunately, that’s how things worked out. In this case, I didn’t get to say goodbye or make peace. It was a very sudden death and I wasn’t even notified firsthand about it, which hurts even more. A funeral is out of the question given the circumstances. There is no closure and I’m not sure how to grieve right now. I feel like I’m
I know that my message is supposed to be about positivity and I certainly don’t want to come off as a negative Nancy so please forgive me. I just need to get this out there. I just so so so heartbroken 🙁 I believe in the law of attraction but it feels like no matter how positive or hopeful I am, these things keep happening over and over and just want it to stop. I’m not really sure why I’m even writing this. I know that many of you come here as an escape and I definitely don’t want to burden anyone with my problems or feelings. I guess I just need someone to listen. I’m having such a hard time right now and just need some support and reassurance that things will be good again. If you could send me some prayers or positive thoughts right now, I would certainly appreciate it <3
Oh Liz, I’m so sorry for you and how heartbroken you are. While I was in college I lost someone almost every semester and it was so incredibly hard to experience those losses again and again. I love you, and I’m praying that God heals over those hurts in a way no human being can. While I’ve been battling Lyme I’ve learned how lamenting and grieving is such an important part of life, even of saying that something was good and beautiful. So let yourself grieve and cry. Don’t be afraid, when we cry over the loss of something good we are saying that something was beautiful and precious to us. I believe when we grieve and lament that we are speaking the deepest prayers of the soul to God–that this world is broken and we need Him to make it new and good again. I’m praying that God comforts your spirit and that you can rest and recover in the way you need to during this time. I just made my fashion account private (@maryofthelea) but if you need someone to talk to don’t be afraid to contact me. Sending hugs and prayers to you, Mary
Thank you so much, Mary. It’s been really difficult 🙁 That’s a really good way to look at it! And you’re right. I appreciate your comforting words <3 I will keep that in mind. 🙂
There’s no doubt you have been through the wringer and it’s ok to feel so upset by all these events, Lizzie. Life is a process of learning and you learnt so much about valuing yourself through those relationships and the severing of them. You’re a person of great courage and you will come through these challenges too!
You are releasing the things and the people that no longer serve your life and it’s hard to do and it’s very frightening ..l many of us have had similar scenarios, I know that I have which has made the terrible bushfires, C-19 and BLM all that much harder to handle.
Be kind to yourself, mourn your losses and don’t be hard on yourself.
You can do this and I send you much love and positivity and praying for you, as you are a very special person.
Ask your guardian angels for support – it’s out there!!
I am here if you need to talk,
Donna W
https://donnadoesdresses.com
Thank you so much Donna. This really does help. I appreciate you always being so encouraging, supportive and kind-hearted. <3 I'm going to write some letters and meditate on this - I hope it brings me peace.
I am so sorry Lizzie! Words cannot describe how you are feeling. When my Busia died last year, I had former cousins, whispering and staring at me during the visitation. And when I called them out on it, one sent my mom a nasty text telling her to tell me not to go near her. I stayed far away from them the entire time and had only called them out via text.
I want things to go back to normal again too. I need to leave this toxic environment I’m in. The things that have been said to me by my own mother hurts.
This is good that you wrote this to get off your chest. I did something similar 2 years ago when this all started and it felt so good. I never posted it though and I recently deleted the draft. Again, I am so sorry for all the deaths in your family. And if you ever need to talk, I’m here.
Jennifer
Curated by Jennifer
Thank you so much Jennifer. It felt to get it out there but now I need to do some internal healing. I’m sorry for the way that your family treated you. It’s not okay at all. I had to cut mine of for my own mental health but I know that’s not always feasible for everyone. It really helped me to watch youtube videos on toxic people and NPD (not that everyone has it) as well as speaking with a therapist <3
Gosh Lizzie. How awful for you. Not having closure affects us so much, and I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
It good for you to share I always think. It’s terrible to keep these things bottled up inside of us.
XOOX
Jodie
It’s been really difficult but I’m trying to heal. Thank you so much Jodie <3
So sorry to hear about your losses Lizzie, you are most certainly in my thoughts and prayers. We’ve experienced 2 losses in our family and while they were distant, it doesn’t make it any easier. I pray for closure and peace for you and I hope that you start feeling as much normalcy as you can given the times we are in now.
Chanda
http://www.mschanda.com
Thank you so much Chanda. I’m so sorry to hear! It seems like it’s been rough for everyone lately. I appreciate that so much <3
Thank you so much Shelbee. It really has! I’m so sorry to hear! It’s quite aa different type of grief when the relationships are complicated. I find myself crying out of nowhere and unable to focus :-/ Oh wow, that’s crazy! Maybe I need to do something like that. I really just need all the positive vibes I can get <3